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A WORD FROM OUR FOUNDER, STEVE

Steve’s Mental Health Story

I’m Steven. I’m 36 and have dealt with mental health and suicidal thoughts. It’s been a life-long problem which I always swept under the carpet until it was too late…and believe me when I say it became too late.

I have drank and done drugs for most of my life to suppress my childhood trauma. I didn’t realise it was trauma until I knew I wasn’t the same as the other kids I was growing up with. I fractured my life in two – one that every kid wants to be and the broken inhuman person I actually was. The sad, lonely kid that didn’t know what to do.

As I grew up, I started using drugs just as fun – I didn’t realise I had a very addictive personality. I always looked after my friends as much as possible as I knew what it felt like not to have someone who cared. It was very important to me, so I built myself up to be that person; the ‘fun’ person, the ‘nothing wrong’ person, the ‘you wouldn’t expect something wasn’t right’ person – but deep down there was.

I moved from place to place but always acted like everything was okay. I drank alcohol from a young age to suppress feelings and emotions in my life, normally around 10 cans a day. Sometimes that isn’t enough, so I moved to other drugs. It would take me out of my head to a place where I didn’t hurt, and I liked it.

I’m far from an angel. I have hurt people I loved very much due to my burden as a kid, but this still doesn’t make it right. I’m forever sorry for this – unfortunately, you don’t care about anything while in that state. Drink and drugs became my soul mate, when things went wrong I would put my hand on their shoulders and good or bad it didn’t matter. My selfishness and need to feel nothing was more important. I didn’t want to be like this – I’m sure some of you can relate.

So life goes on, and my addictions change – gambling grabs me, sucker punches me. I could hide this. The thrill was exciting until you lose, and you will always lose. I was a total mess – going from gambling, drinking, drugs, lying all the time. It turns you into a horrid person, but I couldn’t escape. Some people won’t understand, but trust me when I say it’s a force you can’t control.

I went to a therapist as my problems were becoming un-stitched, but that didn’t help. I was left to deal with 20 odd years of trauma I had hidden, on my own. So I abused drink and drugs, but harder. As an addict, I covered it well.

Lockdown was the worst, but I realised I needed help. I wanted to be sectioned as I knew things were going to get bad, but nothing was done. Take these tablets and speak to someone in a couple of weeks was the advice. So, I was left to my own devices and all the time in the world to do what I wanted.

I became seriously addicted to cocaine – it took over my life more than anything had before. I had given up and didn’t seem to care. There was no support – the odd phone call does not give you the help you need. So, months passed and I became worse – 10g a day, drinking and 10k in gambling debt – I was lost. I was hurting but I’m sure the people who cared for me were hurting more, watching me throw it all away and disappear into the dark.

Things took a turn for the worst. I have been arrested for things I can’t say, really hurt people I loved and scared them. When I was released I went AWOL on a 2-day bender and I was ready to end it all.

I attempted suicide 3 times. I was taken to hospital 3 days in a row and let straight out in the morning – I said to the doctors that it would be easy to become a statistic of suicide.

It’s worth noting that the NHS were brilliant – it’s just that the mental health system cannot cope with the high rise and the massive scales of different problems. I know that I am lucky to be here. I came out of hospital a different person. I was healed, changed. I can’t explain how, but it’s a miracle! I was walking on the beach on day a couple of months later, and thought I needed to do something to make a change. I decided to help. And so came the birth of Men Tally Up.